What type of emotional resonance did you experience as a child?
When you were scarred did you have someone around you to trust? Was someone listening to you when you said: “ I´m very scared.”
How was the response? Was there a response?
A. In case there was no one to who you could talk, this most likely created some sort of disconnection between your emotions and heart. Being small child we need someone to share with, to feel with, and to talk with, otherwise, we naturally feel overwhelmed with our fears, sadness, anger, etc. When a child is not sharing with someone its emotions there is already a lack of trust. What has in itself already a huge effect on further development.
As little beings we can not feel alone challenging emotions, this gets overwhelming and we might sense that we can´t bear with that alone. So to survive we disconnect from our emotional center. We avoid feeling, we develop escaping strategies, over rationalizing or other patterns not to feel.
If you experienced that there was no one checking in with yourself, which belief systems did you develop? Not having anyone around to feel with or to talk with about your emotions can let you feel you are on your own. In that case, there might not be the development from emotional resonance happening. There could develop a pattern of not feeling emotionally safe.
B. If there is a rational response for example: “Oh there is no reason to be scarred for, don´t worry. You don´t need to be scarred there is no danger”
What happened? Your emotions were devalued, a distance was created, and your needs were devalued when you came with an emotional request.
C. Or did someone turn towards you and said something like: “Hey come to me! What happened? Oh, I feel you are scarred. Let´s have a look!”
When you experienced this type of response in your childhood then you experience that you are felt, acknowledged, heard, and seen on an emotional level. This creates emotional resonance and safety. If this were how your caregivers and environment mainly responded to you, you are a very lucky person with naturally developed superpowers regarding "emotional resonance" intelligence.
With the version C as an adult:
I feel my child, and I create emotional resonance with the child.
I feel my child, I meet the emotional need.
There is an emotional connection happening, there is an exchange.
Co-regulation is happening.
I create resonance. I feel the stress from the child.
We connect, and the child's nervous system gets downregulated.
Thomas Hüble uses the metaphor: the child uses the USB stick and plugs in with the adult heart.
This creates our superpowers.
After that process of creating emotional safety and connection, rational guidance can come in and this needs to come in and is important.
First, the emotional resonance needs to happen, then the rational leadership.
This kind of relational resonance is a superpower for us humans - if this is missing it can create deep misleading in life and in intimate relationships.
Depending what you experienced as a child, you will have reflections in your intimate relationships/partnerships.
If we create this heart connection with a child we are forming and shaping the child's ability to be able to have healthy emotional patterns. We give the child the capacity to trust, connect, and use "emotional resonance" with awareness and clarity.
This is a huge healing gift not only for the individual person but also for a collective dimension. With these superpowers, we can heal with huge ripple effects humans and maybe humanity (if there are enough individuals with the superpower of emotional resonance.
Plugging into the heart with a child co-regulation is happening through the “vagal nervous system”.
We also can do that with adults, but if there is a disconnection to the heart or the person has much not integrated trauma, the downregulation might not happen at that moment. There is more inner work, willingness for healing, commitment, and time required.
Emotional resonance affects not only our relationship with self or our personal and intimate relationships. Also, it plays a huge role if you are working in the healing field. How to create connections, how do you hold space, how to respond to your clients, how do you interact and where might your own trauma or disconnection be in the way?
To reflect, become aware of your own trauma, find methods to diggest, and choose ways to integrate the past to learn to change patterns and to heal is crucial if you choose to live a present life at your full potential as a connected integrated human here on earth. Of course, it is anyone's own choice how to live. We choose which responsibility we want to take on and what we want to sign up for or not.
Couples can get stuck if they are not bringing in the support which is needed. There is much help right now out there to support intimate relationships and couples. Being open to receiving help for healing and increasing awareness in a close relationship can bring more flow of love and can give deep learning, inspiration, and growth for both partners. If both agree that an intimate relationship is also about healing old wounds which show up in the process of connecting the hearts in deeper ways.
As most of us did not grow up with Condition C, being close in a romantic relationship brings up "old patterns" as a gift, so we can heal together.
A relationship with someone who is with you on the same page about what healing and mature love mean and who shares the same values with you can open the most challenging and the most magical path for a life of learning and evolving together in love and true connection. (There are more articles around that topic on my Blog)
Increasing emotional resonance, healing the heart, and getting aware of emotional patterns can be an ongoing magical journey in life.
If you experienced mainly situations A. or B. in your childhood.
Please know you can heal and transform the lack of emotional resonance and the below-laying wounds. Many practices include compassion and holistic ways to approach awareness around that. We live in a time with so many wonderful healing opportunities and helpers.
The first step is to notice and to acknowledge what happened to you, the next step is to make a choice to heal.
Do you wanna commit to the path of healing?
We are all able to learn to respond differently, to create a space of "re - sponse-ability".
Our hearts can learn the superpowers of emotional resonance clearly and presently without being tricked by confusing filters of old understanding/learnings based on trauma reactivity.
We can learn all together, and encourage each other through connection and compassion.
I encourage you to look for methods, practices, courses, teachers, and people around you who like to play and practice with you on a conscious field together. Connection and Magic will be rewarding.
In case there is a voice: "I don´t need a teacher or therapist"; "I can do that all by myself" etc. This might be a part that carries trauma and is scarred to be seen or found. Some deeply wounded parts are very good and active with hiding. They wish to be found but also they are so scared to be found that it can be sometimes confusing. Connect to your higher wisdom part. Help and Support can never be wrong. Try :-)