Here is a little bit of my journey over the last about, 2 years. It feels vulnerable and I feel ready to share these parts of me.
My intention is always to encourage others and maybe someone can resonate with some of my experiences.
I chose to use the solstice for rituals, the power of thought and intention setting.
The last solstice in December 2023 ended a very important cycle for me.
Since the solstice in December 2021, I have been on quite an intense journey. Each 6 months in between the solstices had its theme. Since the solstice in June 2023, it has gotten much easier and more joyful. Yay!!!
It was all about love, values in a relationship, my integrity with intimacy, my hopes/illusions with a special man, not expressing fully my truth based on fear of losing a loved man, bending my own values, necklacing my boundaries which had a very unhealthy ripple effect, allowing to be shut down, feeling suppressed, allowing respectless behavior, losing my own center and my own respect as I did not act aligned with my integrity, feeling unsafe, feeling the contraction in my whole system on all layers, not being myself anymore in that particular relationship, allowing very painful and damaging projection to happen, ...etc.
On the other side, there were moments and experiences of pure deep bliss, a deep sense of connection, and very sweet tastes of love and shared wisdom.
Experiencing that deep connection with a partner was a huge medicine too for me. All is sacred and important the dark and the light.
Now I have a sense of what deep karmic relationships can look like… I´m careful with the word "karmic". In that case it was shown to me a way I could not ignore it anymore.
Today I know this pain which was caused intensely was necessary for me to level up to a higher level of love and light. I thought I knew before and now I know so much better. Thanks to life and thank God.
The spirals of evolving where we go through all lifetimes are a mystically deep and wonderful experience.
Last year felt pretty much like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes.
I´m so grateful for the whole experience and so deeply grateful that I was able to set clear boundaries at some point, align my integrity and accept the pain as I knew this was needed to rebirth to a higher level of who I am.
It was huge to forgive myself and to have compassion for myself in the whole process.
I knew from the beginning that there were very toxic and unhealthy patterns in the relationship and I did not put up clear boundaries. I stepped over my boundaries. I had ignored my values for about 1.5 years until I was in so much pain, that it was clearly enough.
This whole process pushed me to very dark spots where I had to face many unhealthy patterns around love, self-value and fears.
In the moment when I put action into clear boundaries, I finally got to the place of heavy deep juicy darkness and hit rock bottom. This was so needed for my personal healing journey.
Would I allow this to happen again? NO. This is a big part of the healing :-)
Astrologers say that I belong to about 5% of people who have the capacity for very intense experiences of feeling the world, feeling life, and experiencing emotions. This "default setting" in me has been my whole life my gift and my curse. I learned to develop coping strategies from an early age, as I was constantly emotionally overwhelmed and feeling alone with my full-on felt experience.
There was an unconscious fear of breaking apart if it got too painful. It feels so liberating writing that right now. As I know I have changed. I know now I can hold the deepest pain and falling a part.
A year ago more or less; I had this deep dark moment when I thought I didn't want to feel anymore. I was so angry and felt so much deep sadness. I had moments of deep hopelessness and very angry communication with spirits and God. In that grief, I was considering making a deal with the universe to stop feeling... I knew that would mean something very dark.
The interesting thing is, looking back, I knew that place.
I saw how certain people in the world are connected with this type of contract of "not feeling anymore" and "disconnect of life/god".
This is another topic when we talk about different type of forces in the universe. Very important to align consciously yourself. If you are curious, you will find more information in my upcoming content in the Online True-Journey Library.
This most intense place, where I was considering not wanting to feel anymore, went on maximum for some days. Also at the same time, I knew from my higher plant teacher friends that I was okay and that everything would pass. I knew based on my life experience and deep spiritual connections that I would be okay again. I knew I would find a way of being able to navigate healthily the feelings I am able to feel.
Looking back it was interesting to hold this very dark heaviness & hopelessness and to know at the same time that the big light was there even if I could not see it at that particular moment.
What a blessing.
My most important learnings that came out of this challenging journey are the following:
I´m not falling apart even if I do :-)
I can go through deep pain and sadness. I have space to feel all of that and I can hold space for all of that.
I gave the hope for the healing of a loved man more priority than my own health and well-being. I could see on very deep and many layers that I would never do that again in the same way. I met a new part of the wounded healer in me which played out in that relationship. Now there is a clearer sense of love and boundaries.
Forgiveness for not being fully honest and truthful with my boundaries and values.
Forgiveness with myself that I did not walk my talk.
Forgiveness with myself that I hurt myself so much by giving away my power in that relationship.
The level of FORGIVENESS and LOVE is much more expanded than ever, it feels beautiful.
To have compassion for myself as I was in love and I had hope that healing would happen.
Compassion and love for the capacity of commitment I can bring in.
Acknowledging how much I'm able to commit if I am in love and hope.
I learned to appreciate my big capacity to love and feel compassion for a wounded man. I saw that this love I'm able to share is a huge gift.
Very important: I know now that I need to love myself at least in the same way!!!! I experience the difference of love in my body now. The feeling is much more ingrained now. There is a new vibration and sense of love and sharing love now.
Very important: Bending my own integrity and values cannot have a healthy outcome.
Big lessons about loyalty, respect and alignment.
I finally faced the very wounded lover inside of me. I learned to acknowledge her wounds—and most importantly, how to take care of her/me.
I understood I needed exactly this experience he and I created to evolve, heal and grow. There is this sense of "finally", as something was waiting inside of me for a long time to let go. For this reason, I’m so grateful for the whole "production" by the universe.
Teachings about Ancestral Healing and its importance (I had some teachers who were showing me directions on how to do that). I know now different ways to be more aware and do that type of work.
The forgiveness process for myself was super important on the journey of loving and being present with myself.
I lost my power because I bent my values and my truth. I learned that this can kill my life force. I went into deeper layers of our universe and saw connections far beyond just being me; Ute.
Big teachings about energetics and universal connections and different energies in the universe. With which energies do you choose to align? I gained a much deeper view of life and its subtleties in connection with who I align and who I invite for creation.
Resonance and attraction.
That my first intuition and seeing about the energies and patterns from the loved one was accurate. Now I know even more that I can trust my deeper knowing.
I can fully love and I am able to feel pain fully: This is the most powerful knowing for me, as it is shifting everything for me. Thank you.
I feel much love for this man and much gratitude. I only could learn and heal all of these parts inside of me by being with him. No one else could have co-created this intense journey with me. I knew all that when we met for the first time several years back in Pisac/Sacred Valley in Peru.
Now it is good to have a healthy distance. I trust he is finding his own way with the light. Our souls can be free now. Forgiveness is the key to setting self and others totally free.
I deeply hope he also used his experience for his healing and growth. Obviously it is always our own responsibility how much we are able to face our own demons/shadows in order to higher our frequencies and move on in our own evolution.
There is much more to it what I experienced based on my wounded healer inside of me, other realms, past lives and his personal path ..etc. It feels at this point too personal to share here.
Throughout the whole process; I felt the light, life-supporting energies, higher wisdom, universal connections and the presence of god. Many tools that I have learned in the past, I could use and feel the benefit of.
The level of consciousness and trust I gained over my life was a huge anchor. My plant allies, my SAMA´s and Shipibo Maestras were so helpful and supportive. I have no words for that. I know life gave me the whole experience because I was ready to evolve and it was needed to go through this challenging time.
I was able to find the right dance after I finally set my boundaries. It was like a rebirth.
I´m very grateful for my good friends and also my dad who was - in some moments very emotionally supportive.
In the depth of the processes I had to also hold retreats and space for others. This was a huge learning for me as well. How to facilitate the space when there is deep hurt present in my heart. In my online course which will be published soon, "Growing into the Role of a Facilitator," there will be content about that too.
I´m here to learn. I got a tattoo with this reminder on my back already in 2004 when I was quite young. I knew already; "Life means learning".
Today I add to that:
"and I'm here to share what I'm learning".
Let's learn and grow all together!
Let’s digest our pain and challenges and integrate what we learn.
This is individually and collectively our journey to move toward wholeness.
Much love and a joyful 2024!!