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  • Ute

Boundaries - Self Care & healthy relationships (update Dec. 2022)

When do you notice that your boundaries are not set up healthily?

When I feel frequently tired or overwhelmed. Latest then I know that I need to take responsibility and structure things differently to create more balance and space.

When I develop frustration because my needs are not met.

When I find myself again and again in a situation where my values are not met.

When I feel not aligned with the situation and the other person/persons included.

When I feel not aligned with myself.

When I say “yes” when I feel a “no”.

When my actions adjust to the others more than to my own needs on a regular base.

When there is no balanced energy flow happening.

When reciprocity is lacking.

When again and again the interaction with certain people makes me feel exhausted and drained and I feel afterward the interaction/situation occupies my mind in a loop and I feel a heaviness.

Latest in these moments I know that my boundaries are not right.

There are plenty of symptoms that your body shows you. Listen to your body! Feel your sensations. Sometimes our minds and heart try to ignore reality because of different reasons. Our bodies show us clearly if things are in good order or not.

When your nervous system responds with dysregulation to a certain person, check in with yourself about what is happening.

Check in with your stomach, chest, heart, throat, neck, back, and head and how is your brain working? Do you experience fight/flight/freeze with someone regularly?

These are strong indicators that something is not okay. That there is a part of you that is not feeling safe.

Often in these moments, we need to think and feel what we need to feel safe, to be ourselves, to be at our full potential, and to be able to express ourselves authentically.

Boundaries are important to have an intimate healthy relationship versus creating co-dependency.

To have a healthy relationship with our emotions and to relate in a healthy way to the emotions of the person around us, we need clear boundaries.

For a mature clear boundary setting, we need clear communication. The other can not know your boundary if you don´t express yourself clearly.

If you care about the other some basic points are important to communicate.

- Why the boundary?

- For how long or at what times this boundary is important for you

- What is the consequence for you when there is an overstepping and disrespect happening

The mentioned symptoms I mentioned above are quite strong already. Many more subtle things can happen much earlier at the moment when you already start sensing there is a misalignment happening... So be sensitive and listen to your inner voice, feelings, sensations, and thoughts early as possible.

Depending on your situation you may find yourself in a different situation

and you might experience different symptoms as warning symptoms/as guidance.

When do you notice that your boundaries are not set healthily?? Think about it or write it down if you like.

You cannot set a boundary that you don’t have. The first step is getting clear on your own internal boundaries. You must become clear in your heart on what you want (Dr. Shefali Tsabary).

If I don´t take care about my boundaries and let things again and again happen I´m causing harm to myself and others. If I don´t take responsibility and ownership of healthy boundaries for my well-being I create misalignment and I create space for toxicity.

Underneath there is space to create frustration, blame, guilt, shame, damage own energy fields can arise, low frequencies increase, stop of a healthy flow, general suppression, pain and all this can cause over time physically sickness.

Nothing can unfold in a truly aligned way in our life if we are not true and honest. If there is no transparency there are shadows created, and out of the shadow comes earlier or later in some form or shape pain.

Yes, we always learn, we always grow, and sometimes we need to experience this pain and be out of alignment and far away from our deep declared values to understand the importance of a healthy boundary setting.

Yes, transforming pain is a huge process where we learn in such depth which is enriching our life to a highly valuable degree when we get out on the other side.

Sure :-)

And I think we can also learn and flow on our way of life with more happiness, alignment, and healthy space through a bright clear compassionate boundary set up.

The beauty is that we can learn that together with the people around us, when they are open and also willing of learning together.

“When you can find the boundaries of your own container -- your own life your own vision -- you can separate from the confusion about why the one(s) you love the most can sometimes make you feel the worst... It is actually your unmet needs that make you feel bad. You are the only one who knows how and can actually fill those needs. Through getting acquainted with our own needs, we find our way back home to ourselves and set appropriate boundaries as we learn to self-soothe our own child's wounds now that they have been exposed. We must learn to take responsibility for the quality of every relationship in our life.” - Deborah Wilder (Psychotherapist, Ashland, Oregon)

Some thoughts and steps to inquire about:

Getting clear about the reasons why a boundary is important, getting in touch with own needs, how to hold the boundary, what could be reasons to change the boundary, what could happen that I betray myself, what action might be aligned in case of a crossing, what impact does this boundary have for me and my environment, how do I want to acknowledge the impact for others and holding my boundary?

Which learning is here for me (or us) while setting the boundary?

Connecting to your body sensations. Acknowledge arising feelings in you around setting this boundary. Use your body to connect to your inner parts which maybe are scarred or fearful.

Remember what you are grateful for in the whole situation.

Check-in with yourself with which energy you create this boundary.

Be aware that a boundary created with compassion and from a calm space carries a different energy than one built with anger or from a triggered place.

Give your best to see the situation with wholeness.

Communication about the boundary set up with your loved ones is key to learning and growing together.

For example, just leaving, not talking, not answering any calls, etc is more the category of “avoidance attachment” and is not a mature healthy boundary setting if you care about the other.

Check out the reasons, why setting boundaries in certain situations or with certain people is more difficult for you than in other moments.

Look at your beliefs and patterns which might kick in and play a role in why you necklace keeping a clear authentic space and alignment with setting clear boundaries which express and define your needs.

Here are some common ones:

- I´m scared to loos someone

- I want to avoid being alone.

- I don´t want to feel the pain from the consequences of my boundaries if the other person is not respecting it

- I feel fear about the consequences if the other is not respecting my boundary

- I have to adjust to the other to receive love and validation

- I have to do compromises to have a relationship

- I have to give in, I have to give more, I need to sacrifice

- I´m a strong person and capable to hold space for the wounds and processes of the other.

- I believe in that mission. I don´t give up. Even if my boundaries are crossed. My desires and hopes are so big. I´m strong I can go through that. In the end, all will work out.

- Being in a relationship means I also have to suffer

- You have to go through hardship to receive the blessing and fruits on the other side

- The “mistake” might be on my side, again and again, I look inside myself at how I have to learn, improve and change

- Over self-reflections and over self-inquiry

- I need to learn more, the cause for the difficulty is on my end

- I always give my best to do my inner work, when something feels challenging. I´m learning with this, so I go on even if this is a period where I don´t feel aligned and good.

- I want to help others, I want to support others in order to make sense or to create purpose

- I´m unclear about my own needs, I let the other guide and I adjust to his/her boundaries


- When in your life did you learn that your boundaries don´t matter?

- How were boundaries put in the environment in your childhood?

- Which programs do you might have learned which are now not serving?

- What type of “attachment categories” do you have tendencies for?

If we look at the reasons why we don´t set clear boundaries there are always teachings arising. This can help us to gain clarity about our own truth and what might be the truest action to take in a specific situation to stay authentic/healthy and to keep the energies aligned.

Not clear healthy set boundaries can be the root of passive anger and nasty energies in our system. Anger gets created internally on a passive level and gets out in subtle unpleasant ways toward others and self. To stop creating that and to change we need to be more aware and take responsibility of our boundary setting.

Firstly you need to be aware of your needs, your values, and what you really want.

Secondly, stay true to yourself - show self-respect.

If there is no self-respect you can not create a truly respectful environment or relationship.

"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” – Prentis Hemphil.

Mark Groves: “Walls keep everybody out, but boundaries teach people where the door is.”

Let´s learn and grow together.




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