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  • Ute

A personal story about numbing emotions & learning to feel...

The distraction of "feeling the own core" can play out in many ways.


What is your distraction not feel what is deeply inside of you?


Looking back on my life..

There were so many moments when I did not want to feel. I can see today that this happened unconsciously many times when I was a teenager and when I was a young adult. Patterns of distraction were deeply ingrained in my parents, so in my environment and I learnt that very early too.


I started smoking Marihuana at the age of 14. Very quickly this became a good daily friend. Very quickly I had my bong and smoked bong heads daily. I started in the morning after waking up, before school, and ended with going to sleep.

It helped me to stabilize my inner world. Everything felt more balanced, calm, and grounded. Life got much easier on a felt sense.


I see today looking back how much my heart and my emotional body were overwhelmed. I did not know how to feel my fears, worries, shame, sadness, loneliness, and insecurities with boys, love, and desires in my teenage times.


My parents separated when I was about 15 years old. I never saw my parents kissing or hugging each other intimately. As a child, I noticed that the parents of friends were sharing love through kisses, touches, etc. I felt shame and discomfort as a child when I saw that in other families, as I did not know that energy and feeling.


When I was about 14 or 15 years old I noticed that my mum was more happy and somehow different. I saw that she had a silver heart-shaped key chain. I knew it could not be from my dad.


I was already a rebellious teenager who wanted to be free, going out and partying. The limits from society, my parents, and school were already laying heavy and contracting on my spirit and heart. I just wanted to do what I wanted and to feel free. It was intense for me. I still remember how limited life felt and how big my longing was for having personal freedom. Very taff feellings.


My intuition told me that my mum had a lover. I investigated and found out that this is true. She did not tell my dad and she did not tell me. I totally understood that she fell in love with another man. I did not feel good with the dishonesty from her side.

I got very unpleasant towards her and showed her much disrespect. It was painful for her and me. One day she tried to lock me in the kitchen together with her and she tried to force me to tell her what was going on.

I got so angry at her. I told her, that she was the one who needed to speak the truth and that it was not about me. She did not show up to tell the truth. She continued denying it until I could prove it with some details.


Already as a teenager speaking "truth" and being "loyal" to loved ones were basic values for me. No way I could accept her lying and hiding, as my integrity was that my dad deserved to know the truth.

I told her that I give her the choice if she wanted to tell the truth to my dad or I would do that.

This whole situation created a very strong dynamic in our little family.

I gained a lot of power. My mum got a certain role and my dad got a certain role.

This shifted energetically a lot. There was confusion and overwhelm present.

We never had therapy in our family.


I was the only child and played the taff and strong one. I did not know how to process that. I did not know how to hold my heart and feel. I did not know that being vulnverable is an option and important to heal.


I had good friends and I was very rarely crying. Most of the time I said, that I´m glad that my parents now have both a new path, where they can be happy.

As they both were as a couple not functioning in a happy joyful way. I was glad that both of them could start a new life.

I just wanted to have my own space and being out of their dynamics. Drugs helped me to control my feelings and emotions. There were "happy pills" and substances I used to keep stress and pain down.


I lost a beautiful land which was my home. It was deeply connected to my soul. Years later in ceremonies and my dreams this land, the trees, the plants, and the house were still present. I still remember many details.

For me, the whole situation and time after was more painful than I knew at that time.


All the weed I have smoked and other drugs I started to use, were all strong tools for me not to feel what I truly felt deep in. With these different substances, I could control my emotions and feelings very well. I used this substance until my early 30´s.

I don´t say that this was bad!!! Not all all. It helped me to have a enjoyable life and to survive emotionally. I had very good times, much fun, and a beautiful circle of dear friends. I was able to study, travel and chose to work in fields I was interested in. All the experience made me strong in findng my ways to a certain degree. I want to acknowledge the gifts as well.


At some point I was able to learn that the independence I had learned left an unconscious veil of mistrust, anger and fear behind it... which can be transformed in the healing process.


My friends were like family to me. I felt deeply connected with them. All in all, I mostly loved and enjoyed the parties and togetherness very much.


Today I just see the unconscious part. This is important for seeing the whole picture. The light and the dark. The conscious and the unconscious.


The last years in my end 20´s and early 30´s of using substances started to be darker, as old trauma came to the surface. I did not realize that at that time. Today I see how old energies and not felt emotions got triggered. It was time to evolve and to do the work.

Life created many disbalances for me to wake up.

It is fascinating. Do you know that from your life?


Why I look into this past patterns today is, as it helps me to be more aware about my distraction patterns today. There is a timeless connection to help me to see and feel today when I disconnect, as I remember how the situation felt in the past. Not sure if this makes sense for you.


In the past I chose to smoke weed to not feel fully what is present in me and I did not want to be with the deep core of my being. I wanted to feel different than I would naturally in the moment.

There was this strong unconscious energy of distraction, in order to not fully feel deep inside who I am.


I like to feel into that today and reflect on how and when are distractions happening today in my Ute life.

What do I do not to feel fully what is deeply present with me? Using the phone to go into social media, work, watch a movie, learn something new, read...


All that is not bad. I just want to be aware of what is happening. I still distract myself and this is okay for me AND I want to be aware.


How is that for you?

How are you distracting yourself today?


In the beginning of my Dieta times with my Shipibo Teachers I found out that my organ teacher did sexually abusive things with me at the age of about 9.

My brain put that completely onside. I could not recall his actions and my feelings since it happened.

I could remember a tiny little bit always but not the whole thing that happened. This was the reason why I chose not to go to the classes anymore even if my parents wanted to push me to go there. It seems I did not tell them and it seems there was shame or a shock and disconnect inside of me. It seems very quickly after or in the moment already that my conscientiously recalling was disconnected.


It is interesting to experience that in an own system. Before I only knew that theoretically in the work with others.

As we know who work in this field. The memory always stays in the body. It is called implicit memory.

The explicit memory you can recall with your brain and in too intense situations we can disconnect. A great survival mechanism.

Our emotional -, spiritual- and physical body keeps the memory all the time.


Sometimes one day we (or something in us) build the connection again, then when we are ready, and we have the suppressed memory available again. The different dots are connecting and wholeness can emerge. Healing and a deeper understanding can evolve.

You can not force that, it happens when it happens. Most of the time it happens very unexpectedly at least on the conscious side.


In my case, the results of my suppressed information acted out strongly in using drugs to control and numb my deep emotions. Probably not to remember the shame, fear, pain, and sadness that was connected to the event with this teacher and all that happened afterward.


I worked for about 10 years in Germany in the therapeutic field and now 9 years with Plant Medicine in Peru. Based on that I know how many people experience this type of mechanism consciously or unconsciously.


I share this story to encourage you on your journey. We are not alone.


I embrace every little bit of my life. I do love our human lives and all the possibilities we have. It is quite an interesting experience. Our healing and transformative journeys can not be done alone.

Let´s learn and grow together through sharing and creating possibilities for wholeness.


Many of us have experienced certain traumas at a younger age.

Most of has did not have an environment where we learned to feel all emotions and be safe with that.

Many of us have unexplored shame in us, which is still hiding somewhere inside and resonating with certain creations in our lives.


Some of us are more sensitive to feeling and some are less.

And we are all beings with the capacity to feel a lot.

It is a form of intelligence and an invitation to learn how to use it.


How much of our feeling capacity is numbed by distractions??

How much of our intelligence is limited because of the numbing of our feeling capacity??

Where and when are you separating?

Do you feel ready to expand the sense of wholeness inside of you?

Which mechanisms can you identify in your patterns??

What are you doing not to feel??

When did that start my friend???


Let´s encourage each other to feel and be safe to expand the felt world and transform our contractions into freedom and love.

Do you know what I mean?


Much love,

Ute

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